Revelations

“Holding Space” … What Space are We Holding for Our Children?

This is not a cohesive writing…it is quite literally the notes and ramblings of a mother’s mind…
a compilation of “Dear Diary” entries, if you will…

Your Own Soul

This writing came to me in October of 2017 after just beginning the Awaken the Healer Within course on mother’s intuition with Mallory McClelland. I planned to post it once it was finished on my website…but that website never has been finished. Neither was this writing, although I have worked on it off and on for about 10 months now. I’m thinking it’s appropriate to go ahead and put my unfinished thoughts thus far out into the universe on this unfinished website. LOL! It may lead me to my audience, people that will “get” me, how I tend to think in general, and perhaps it will attract those that resonate with how I view the world, my never ending open thinking, etc. I can always welcome more friends to talk “woo” with. Ha! I hope it may reach some folks that could find a new perspective beneficial. There’s more to come for this writing, it just hasn’t shown up yet. Every time I sit down with this, my mind begins spinning with new thoughts relative to the topic. I really want to finish it but I think it is going to be an ongoing evolution of thought, so here it is. The current words may need to be adjusted, as this post consists pretty much of the raw thoughts as they entered my awareness. My mind is also spinning on my kiddo specifically. I want to leave her alone. I really am reaching this point that I’m feeling like it’s time to stop intervening and start with a fresh slate and see what shows up. I’m sure she will need supports at some point to facilitate her body to do what it’s ready to do next, but for now I feel like we are coming to a halt. But, I’m also tired as hell of all the regimens, programs, food prep, etc etc so am somewhat struggling to trust my judgement because I feel I’m so ready to be done that it could be influencing my reading of my intuition…  Continue reading ““Holding Space” … What Space are We Holding for Our Children?”

Encouragment, Revelations

The Trenches of Caregiver Burnout

This is where I’m at today (see first video below)…it’s been some days actually. Caregiver burnout/fatigue is a very real, very intense and very tough spot to be in. I’m feeling called on to reach out to the other mommas and let you know that I see you. I feel you.

If you’re not a parent in those shoes, please reach out to one you know and ask what you can do for them. It may be a hour of playing with their kid so they can breathe and recharge. It may be reorganizing their pantry. It may be bringing a meal. It may be conquering a shopping errand. It may be picking up a kid and dropping them off at school so they can sleep in after being up til 3 am with a screaming child or catching up on things that they couldn’t accomplish while caregiving. It may be watching their kid for 30 minutes while they take a shower in peace versus trying to rig the shower curtain so their kid can see them from the highchair that mom drug into the bathroom so they aren’t freaked out screaming the whole time while also not covering the floor in water from the shower curtain being open. It may be prepping some food for their kid. It may be picking up diapers because they can’t carry the big boxes and their child out of the pharmacy with no help. It may be offering to watch their kiddo so they can spend time with their other children so they actually feel like they still have a mother 😭 It may be calling to ask if they’ve stopped to feed themselves today and if not, offer to drop something by to them. There are many many little things you can do that are very big for these parents. We are bombarded with piles of paperwork, follow ups, home visits, therapies, supplement and medication schedules, emergency response protocols, IEPs and advocating for our child’s needs from any possible resource even if it takes 8 months, or two years in one circumstance for my girl. Many days we can’t breathe and it’s hard to even try to paint the picture to anyone of the struggles unless they’ve been there bc your mind is just toast. Furthermore, it’s not possible to document all we do outside of typical motherhood. I assure you, they would appreciate some help but it’s hard to even know what/who to ask for. Call and offer something. Anything. What’s picking up a grain of rice to you likely will feel like moving a mountain to them. That takes the decision fatigue out of the equation for them if they don’t have to try to process what all needs done and pick one of the 1800 things for that day. I often am in “I don’t care mode” and my brain can’t even process all that needs to be done that can’t be gotten to, much less isolate one thing to ask someone else to do it.

Gratitude. This song represents gratitude to me. Speak gratitude. Speak gratitude. Speak gratitude. I’m not a fan of organized religion, but this song moves me and helps me find the place to be thankful in the chaos. Mommas (and daddies), I hope this song brings you to a place of gratitude on the worst days.

And this song brings me to a place of not only accepting the challenge with open arms, but requesting to go deeper. There’s only one way to get through the tough stuff…to get to the other side.  I can’t tell you how many times I have sang this song at the top of my lungs while tears poured from my eyes. There has to be purpose in this…there has to be. One of my favorite phrases is “You have been assigned this mountain to show others it can be moved.” Let’s move that mountain, mommas!!

Revelations

It’s a Celebration!!

Today. March 5. One year of no seizure activity. None in the day. None at night. And my favorite…no tonic clonic. 🎉🎉🎉

I thought we were in the clear, I had let my guard down. Then it came with no warning. This time one year ago we were in the hospital…she had an early afternoon seizure that lasted somewhere between 6-8 minutes. I’m not sure how long she was seizing before I saw her. She was napping. Possibly anywhere up to 2-3 mins so that’s why I’m unsure of the duration. Unless you’ve experienced it, you can’t fathom what a lifetime it feels like watching your child convulsing while gasping for air, foaming at the mouth and turning blue knowing there is not a thing you can do but wait for paramedics to arrive. She seized all the way to the hospital in the ambulance, was still having a seizure upon arrival and still activity over an hour after it started at which time they administered meds via IV to stop them…but the first dose didn’t work so she received another. I thought we were going to lose our baby that day. And I thought for hours after that she had lost function we would never gain back again. Talk about an exaggeratedly long, odd and petrifying postictal period. The weeks to come involved arming ourselves with tools like seizure cams, seizure protocols, seizure bags with rescue devices and meds, oxygen tanks and pulse oximeters. Never again will I be unprepared should I need those tools.

Most of you have no idea this even happened. I couldn’t bring myself to relive it to talk about it. I had this whole post about this I was working on in preparation of today, but I can’t finish it just yet…at some point maybe I’ll get around to sharing the depths of how this event changed me, how it robbed me energetically, emotionally and spiritually for months, wounded me with PTSD and how I’ve been gradually breaking free from the claws of fear…it’s been a journey no doubt. It will be part of my healing journey to finish writing about it. Hug your healthy babies tonight. I’m hugging mine 💗

Revelations

The Deep Truth Comes Rolling Out…

Stream

#truthtime #journalentry

It’s time to get real…I’ve been keeping a lot of feelings, fears, etc locked away for a very long time. I’m not hiding them anymore…they are perfectly valid and I need to give permission for them to float on versus tucking them deeper in shame or fear of what others may think…let this phase of healing begin 

This was written to be posted in my daughter’s private group a month ago today…I chickened out. I wasn’t ready to release these deep thoughts out into the Universe just yet. I’m now ready to let it go. However, I decided that I want to keep her group the sacred space of hope that it is…so it is now becoming a blog. I have dated it the date of the writing so that as I add in additional past writings, the blog flows and makes sense in chronological order…here goes!

This is another tough one to share but it’s time. My daughter does not have an autism diagnosis, but I can relate on so many levels to this mother’s words and experiences. The world of special needs can bring so much pain and struggle that the general public cannot even fathom. I once read about a study discussing parents of children with special needs demonstrating the same medical findings as soldiers suffering with PTSD after being at war. Not surprising. The day in day out levels of stress are unimaginable to those outside the home. They are even unimaginable to the spouse not doing the primary care taking, medical management, etc. There is no time to work on healing from the stress, there is too much to be done that should have happened yesterday… or a week ago. And, the financial aspects. That’s a whole facet on its own that puts an entirely complicating spin on the already existing chaos. It is beyond ones imagination unless you have lived it. Continue reading “The Deep Truth Comes Rolling Out…”

Revelations

The Power of Intuition

I rarely share about my daughter’s journey publicly but, this one. This one right here. I bring you…drum roll please…a message from the girl who “will never walk without surgery” according to a world-renowned pediatric podiatrist as well as a world-renowned pediatric orthopedic surgeon. Never give up hope…if your heart tells you to follow a path, follow it. If God, the Universe, Buddha, whatever spiritual force you like to call the Creator Of All That Is places something in your heart, your mind, your knowing…listen whilst ignoring the words of man (yes, even the “experts”) even if your confidence shakes. If something feels “not right”, it’s not. Listen to that voice. I have heard a brilliant woman, Sonia ODonnell McGowin say, “Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes.” My voice is no longer shaking. So many times for a few years I said, “I know she will walk. I know it,” while my voice was shaking. My human mind had a hard time believing it, but my spiritual self knew it to be so. I knew people thought I had unrealistic beliefs relative to my child. But, I also knew my truth…deep inside, even when I questioned the words coming from my own mouth at times. There are no coincidences. My baby has had so many earth angels walk into her life and they have all played a role in her standing (literally, she stands now 💗) where she stands today. My baby is learning to run now…and we never did surgery. You can say The Universe is Amazing. You can say God is Good. You can call it whatever you want…it’s true. It’s all the same, just different words. And, I am blessed. This has been an incredibly rewarding and challenging journey, but this chapter of hurdles is on the verge of closing.
Standing ✔️
Walking ✔️
Dancing ✔️
Running, skipping and jumping straight ahead!!